Yet More Fun with Hearing Loss

Today, while driving to our daughter's house (they're moving on Friday and I'm helping pack), I was listening to a violin concerto. The violinist's name sounded like Elizabeth Rawfish, as in an uncooked fish.

When I got home, I searched the WETA-FM online playlist. Her last name is actually Wallflisch.  I am happy for her.

More Fun with Hearing Loss

I went to the drugstore to pick up two prescriptions, one for me and one for my husband.

"OK," said the clerk, 'I'll take care of yours first, and then I'll do his."

After retrieving my prescription, she asked for my husband's name.

"Phillip," I said."With two 'l's'."

"Phillip is perfect," she then announced.

I looked puzzled, so she repeated it. "Phillip is perfect."

I still looked uncomprehending.

"Phillip's birthdate," she enunciated clearly.

"Oh," I said.

Christmas Tree Hell

Our daughter and I always go on at least one shopping expedition when the family is down at the beach. We leave the men at home.

Our daughter knows where she wants to go and what she wants to get. "We'll stop at the seashell place first. Most of their stuff is really tacky, but they have great shells and I want to get one to replace the one that Mabel chewed up." (Mabel is their big lovable runaway mutt.)

The seashell place was pretty tacky.  Plaques, glassware, seashell jewelry, knick-knacks galore, ribald seashore humor on some of the stuff. The odor of scented candles was well nigh overwhelming.  I was happy to leave. A row of resigned-looking men occupied the benches on the porch, waiting, waiting.

"So now I guess we're going to 'Christmas Tree Hell'?" I asked.

"Christmas Tree Hill",  she corrected.

Christmas Tree Hill was a bit more upscale. The humor was subtler. The merchandise pricier. The candles emitted the quiet holiday scents of bayberry and cinnamon. I bought a "Lang 2016 American Cat Calendar" and two dishtowels embroidered with pinecones for a December silent auction that I know is coming up.

FIFA

I keep hearing about this guy named Step Ladder who is mixed up in the world soccer association mess.

Trip to Knox County

Last weekend my husband and I went to our cabin in Knox County, Ohio. New life was everywhere. The roadsides were resplendent with white and purple dames rockets and the fields were nurseries for newborn kids, foals, and calves. 

We always buy eggs at a certain Amish farm. "I'll have to go over and see what they done," replied the egg lady doubtfully, when we asked for our usual two dozen.  She returned with just one dozen. Sundown was approaching. The hens were getting ready for the Sabbath. 

The sign at the Amish bake shop said the shop would be closed on Thursday, May 17th,  in observance of Ascension Day. 

My husband's cousin, Billy, came down from Cleveland  on Saturday. They discussed their mutual interest in genealogy, speculating on why some of their forebears denied their Polish heritage.  My semi-retired husband recently started piano lessons at the Senior Center in Laurel.  He's serious about daily practice, so he decided to buy an electronic keyboard for the cabin.  He called both the music stores he found in the yellow pages--one in Mansfield, OH and the other in Millersburg, OH--on Sunday. No one answered.  Of course. They take the Sabbath seriously in rural Ohio. He tried the Mansfield store early Monday morning, found out what brands they carried and got directions. About five minutes after he hung up, he received a call from the Millerburg store. Our phone number had apparently been recorded when Phil called on Sunday. Since Millersburg is closer, we went there. While the owner was writing up the sale, Phil mentioned how close we'd come to going to Mansfield. Mr. Young, a very genial guy, smiled and said, "Oh, the Lord looks out for me." 

We had a little "fun with hearing loss" on the way home on Tuesday. Phil said, "So many people have plaster deer in their yards."  I heard this as, "So many people have plastered deer in their cars." What a picture!

Who Knew?

Robert Schumann wrote a song called "Samurai." I heard it on the radio yesterday for the first time. It sounded quite a bit like another song he wrote called "Traumerei."

Did Vivaldi Have Red Hair?

Yesterday I could have sworn they (WETA-FM) said, "And now a concerto from our favorite redneck, Antonio Vivaldi."

They must have said "redhead."

Or did they?

If not "redhead," what DID they say?

Like a Yeti

Finally, a break from the constant, severe, unrelenting pain. The visiting physical therapist told me that the pain usually lets up three weeks after surgery and he was right. I'm getting along fine on a few Tylenol a day and have actually enjoyed several pain-free moments.

Just as we were about to leave for our daughter's house on Christmas Day, my hearing aid "stopped listening," as my son-in-law said. The on/off switch had been acting funny for a few weeks, and finally it just quit. So I was pretty out of it during the festivities, except when my live-in hearing aid (Phil) was in the room.

This morning I got an appointment for Wednesday morning with my audiologist. He'll give me a "loaner" until my new aid arrives. I am so happy to be able to even get an appointment between Christmas and New Year's, but here's the thing:

I was already 2 weeks overdue for a haircut when I crashed to the floor on December 1st. Regular haircuts are a must with hair as short and fine as mine. I look like a yeti! I will scare old men, young women, small children and little dogs in oversize handbags as I clank along with my walker on my way from the street into the audiologist's building.  But, as the Japanese would say, "Shikata ga nai." ("It can't be helped.)

My haircutter is closed Mondays and Tuesdays, so I can't even call for an appointment until Wednesday.

Fun with Closed Captioning

This morning I watched as the Senate passed the health care reform bill 60 to 39.  After the bill passed, there was a lot of milling around on the Senate floor, some handshaking and back-slapping. The commentator said that after weeks of acrimonious debate, shouting and name-calling, this display of good will and friendliness perhaps showed a willingness to "restore what is called the 'comity of the Senate.'"

Good ol' Closed Captioning! Sometimes it doesn't get it quite right. Closed Captioning made this "restore what is called the comedy of the Senate."

Quacked Up Over an Opera

I thought I heard them say, "The Washington National Opera production of 'Touring Ducks' is coming to the Lyric Opera House in Baltimore."

The name of the opera is actually "Turandot."

Stalled Stallion Makes Beeline for Stable

Thirty-five years ago, the family was visiting Phil's parents, who had retired to their non-working "farm" in Knox County, Ohio. Our daughters, then about 9 and 6, went horseback riding with their dad. I dropped them off at the riding stable and went shopping, being spectacularly allergic to horses. They were still on the trail when I returned to pick them up. The teen-aged stable girl said, accusingly, as if this had to be the rider's fault, "Loser's back!"

"What do you mean, he's back?"

"He came back! Loser came back! Your daughter must have gotten off during the ride." I had a sudden vision of her FALLING off.

Then our older daughter appeared, on foot. No broken bones. This small denizen of the Washington, DC suburbs explained, "He stopped to eat leaves and when I tried to make him go, he turned around and tried to bite my foot!"

He sounded like a pretty wild horse for a young, inexperienced rider. "For heaven's sake, why'd you put her on Loser in the first place?"

The girl shot me a look of disgust. "His name is LUTHER!" she informed me.

WAY Too Much Fun with Hearing Loss

Next Wednesday I go to see about a new hearing aid, to replace the one that didn't survive the spin cycle. I can't wait.

I had an OMG moment when I thought I heard them say, "Condoleeza Rice has died in Poland." Actually, she had just ARRIVED in Poland.

Then there were Goya's pagans, as in "He composed a series of pieces inspired by Goya's pagans."
Make that "Goya's paintings."

Even More Fun with Hearing Loss

I'm not even going to tell you how I killed my hearing aid. Let's just say that it got wet.
It's been two days now. I fed it a new battery, but it wasn't interested. It's angry, and still playing dead.
At least I hope it's only playing. I'd buy it candy and flowers, but I think our affair may be over.

The next available appointment with the audiologist is August 27th. That's a long time to be without my friend.

Sometimes well-meaning people gush, "You're so lucky! My father needs aids in both ears!"

All I can say is, "Now, think about that for a moment." OK, I need only one hearing aid, but it's because I am completely deaf in the other ear. How did this happen? We think I lost the hearing in my right ear at age 3, when I had spinal meningitis. I am not complaining. I survived meningitis and the hearing in the left ear was good enough for me to get by for many years without help.

The audiologist doubts that meningitis was the culprit. He says that meningitis usually inflicts equal damage on both ears.

My first memory of being affected by my hearing loss was choosing a desk at the back of the room on my very first day of school and having my dad say, "No, you have to sit up front." Another effect is never knowing where sounds are coming from. Everything seems to originate on the left, whether it's an approaching fire truck or a friend trying to get my attention in the supermarket. I'll turn to try and locate my friend , who's laughing and saying, "Over here! Over here!" Even with a hearing aid, I miss punch lines, because people's voices tend to fall at the end of a sentence. Meetings can be a nightmare, because I understand speech better when I can look at the speaker. Someone's talking, but where are they?

Virgin Boom Magazine

I got a phone call yesterday from a man mumbling about "virgin-(unintelligible) renewal."

"Sorry, " I said, "I'm waiting for an important phone call. I can't talk to you now," and hung up.

Today someone else called to talk some more about virgins.

"Hello, ma'am, I'm calling about the renewal of your subscription to 'Virgin-Boom' magazine."

Me, in my coldest, haughtiest tone: "I am sure that I don't subscribe to any such publication."

"Well, ma'am, according to our records, your subscription to 'Birds and Blooms' is about to expire."

What's next? A honeymoon reality show?

On 96.3FM, I heard them say, "Have your honeymoon at TV Village in Las Vegas."

They really said, "Have your honeymoon at Tahiti Village--"

This Endless War

I heard him say, "It doesn't take an Iraqi scientist to figure out that Bush got back to Maliki about his comment on Obama's plan to get out of Iraq."

What he actually said was, "It doesn't take a rocket scientist . . . ."

The Tree Hugger Speaks

I was shocked when my husband, gazing out the window, asked, "Do you think those girls with white undersides are grade school?"

What he actually said was, "Do you think those squirrels with white undersides are gray squirrels?"

How's That Again?

I thought I heard the man on the radio say, "The authorities are concerned about the increasing number of vegan houses." He actually said, "The authorities are concerned about the increasing number of vacant houses."

It sounded on NPR as if the title of Harry Reid's new book was: " The Good Fight: Hard Lessons from SEX LIFE to Washington." The title is really "The Good FIght: Hard Lessons from SEARCHLIGHT to Washington."

I heard about the attacks by the "the nutty army" instead of "the Mahdi Army."

I was astonished to hear that they "wanted to improve anthrax service along the Northeast Corridor." Actually, it was Amtrak service they wanted to improve.

Catch Me If You Can

Was Prokofiev really responsible for a composition entitled "Five Pieces for a Runaway Piano?"

Kitchen Lizard

He said, "Have you seen the kitchen lizard?"

What he REALLY said was, "Have you seen the kitchen scissors?"