Horse Dollars and Cents

We went to our cabin in Ohio over Memorial Day weekend. At "Miller's Hardware" in Danville, we always pick up a copy of THE VENDOR, a 50-page bi-weekly newsprint magazine that bills itself as "an Advertising Medium Serving the Plain Communities and Others in Ohio and From Coast to Coast." It features columns by "Aunt Molly," essays, poetry, puzzles, recipes, and announcements of birthdays and anniversaries. Each issue includes several pages of jokes, interspersed with folk-wisdom observations, such as, "Conscience keeps more people awake than coffee," or "Worry amplifies a whisper into a shout."

Then there are the ads, which give us city folks a puzzling glimpse into a different world. Here's an ad for the only "Equine Hyperbaric Oxygen Chamber" in Ohio. There's an ad addressed to "turkey growers," advising them to place orders now for large broadbreasted white turkey poults. You can get 100 of these critters for $299.95, but at this price, you get only "day-old unsexed" poults.

Setting these mysteries aside, I turn to my favorite section, THE HORSE CORRAL, which is divided into buggy horses, draft horses, ponies, and "standing at stud." One phrase that shows up in almost every buggy-horse ad is "traffic safe and sound." Others are "women can drive" and "good traveler." Asking prices range from $1200 to $3000.

Some ads raise questions:

"Ten-year-old good-sized bay standardbred gelding. Shies a little at big truck's sound. Needs work." At ten years, I guess so.

"Not 100 percent safe, but women can drive."

"Sound, not quite safe, but women can drive."

"Traffic safe and sound, but not for women."

And finally, "Nice headset and fun to drive. Good old bloodlines. He's a cribber."